today......is the most horrible and scary day in sydney.i had been drive away by my house owner out from my current accomodation. Just because of I stain the carpet with some cosmetic just now.but that time I have rushing out to having a rehearsal.there got no enough time for me to clean it up.still in my mind that I will clean it once I coming back from rehearsal.but once I step into my house,the house owner keep scolding me without hearing my reason.she just get cranky on me by this way and ask me keep my baggage and move out quickly.somemore I have to pay her 1000dollar as a fee to change the carpet.
the time is 1.30am..i been drive away from home.1september2009,i will remember this day forever..
the weather outside is cold and have a strong wind...because the spring is just around the corner..my leg was hurt and still need to carry all the baggage...feel that very out of luck nowsaday,why i have this kind of destiny??i drift on................
my tear is drop down that time........and sitting on the roadside,dont know where should i go...along this time i am disguise to be tough all the time.because i know that i not able to let my mum or all the people who care me worried about me.i am just alone in foreign country,i suppose facing all of this incident myself without rely on anyone.but now i cant,i realy cant pretending tough,no more energy to disguise.i am tired to be tough...now...i just know crying....sitting on the roadside and cry for everything.
after recharge my mobile phone in the convenience store nearby.i start hand up my cell phone...but i stut there....cause i don't know who should i make a call.i can't call the person who i would like to call.feel very unfamilliar with my phone.i quite a long time never use it already.sometime even where i put my phone i also don't know.
i start check my contact list one by one.i suddenly realize that i got no a familiar friends in australia.....i just have the number with all the guy who wanna chase me..but they are really hatefull somemore annoying.i don't like to contact them,even they call me i never picked up.otherwise,i just can phone my malaysia's friends..i call one by one from my list,but plenty friends never picked up.finally my subang's brother picked it up.he is the people who most sayang me,and treat me like his sister before.
but I just know how to cry.maybe I am not mature….but I don’t care….never anyone will understand my current situation.cause never anyone undergo it before..alone in foreign country,stressfull,tired,helpless……..yet no place can I stay for tonight.the weather is cold,and the street is dark….drunk people distributed over all….somemore nowsaday a lot Chinese woman was murder in sydney.the murderer cut their body into pieces and throw into wollooggong.i afraid of I will be the target of them.but I refused to told my mum about this,because I know they will worried me if I told them.i can’t let my mum worried about me again.but in the end I be forced to told my mum also.
After that,I just check in to a hotel.i am really disappointed and upset…….but now I just know crying..i really miss Malaysia very much.but I not able to going back.i hate crying.but when remind that I bullying by a Australia citizen,I really can’t bear it.my tear is like a sea water gush out from my eye out of my control.A moment later,the sky is getting brighter.i know that this is my new days……….i just wipe off my tear and make a brand new start.i know I should tough again for a new day.its enough for me crying,I have to take care of myself start from now onward.should start to search for a new room later.
i should leave this world.i am not suitable for this world.....everyone abandon me.........i hate it
31 Aug 2009
30 Aug 2009
对你来说这些也许已经过去
对你来说也许我们的相遇并不算什么。可是对我而言，我们的相遇本来就是场像老天注定的。想想看，怎么可能一个在KL一个在北马的2个人会在一起呢？而我也在吧生，怎么可能我们会在subang遇到彼此呢？也许这一切已经是冥冥中注定，老天爷要我们相识。我们的缘分一定是很厚很厚，才会那么的相遇了。因为我在吧生读书时根本就没有想过要做工。而那个时候我会去的国家是台湾，并不是澳洲。
SPM成绩揭晓，我的成绩不错。所以妈妈不给我去台湾了。而我自己那时候也不想去台湾而想来澳洲，因为有个人在这里。就这样决定来澳洲了。因为那个时候有3个月的时间，我想没事做，就想做工。而当时有好几家都要请我，就这样的选择了miracle.. 到底是注定的还是什么。。。我真的模糊。那么刚巧，在我上班的第一天，我知道了他的一些事情而吵架从此分手也没再联络。就这样原本在shah alam 的我，做了1个月后，就要到subang summit 去了。本来我根本就不想去那边，因为summit真的好闷。我其实是被调去one utama 的。。。可是因为同事的不便，他要去one utama 所以我就去summit....就这样。。。在一次我跟妈妈吵架才过上电话，无意中看到了你。那种感觉好像似曾相识，可是你的脸好lansi好欠打。。根本就不想跟你讲话。睬你都傻。而我每次就摆了一幅高贵的样。大概也没什么人敢接近我吧。
到了有一天，我跟mandy原本是约好4个以前在shah alam 工作的朋友一起“打边炉”可时候他们到最后都放飞机。我们2个觉得好无趣，就想叫你啊，steven,sam,kelvin去。可是kelvin,sam 都不能。我也懒惰了。。就跟mandy说，打不如在old town 吃好啦。。。4个人而已。。。mandy 就想要开口的时候，steven 就说“干嘛？想放飞机啊？”mandy 连忙说没有啦，等下不见不散。就这样被逼着去了因为不能放飞机啊。。。
就这样，我们4个就坐在asian cafe 里了。。也不懂从什么时候开始。对你有种特别的感觉。第一次我们就坐在station 1 里喝酒。那时我坐你对面，你却跟我说，要我坐在你旁边。那时心里想“这个人什么怪癖啊？又不是你女朋友，我堂堂caryn又要换位” 这一辈子只有人家迁就我，没有我迁就过人家。
而那一次原本想叫你陪我做passport。。。你却病了，好可怜啊。。我的人就是不会理会朋友并不病啦。搞好自己就好了。可是我无法控制我自己不去关心你。。过后还要叫我去到你面前跟你说“我是真的关心你”。。原本想睬你都傻啊。。。我才不会做这种白痴的事。而且当时我在summit的举动是每个人都会盯着的。。就连我放工后跟谁出去吃什么，是全summit的人都知道。太恐怖了。可是那天真的太无聊了。。。。一个人在那边。。。看到你来了。。。就想走过去打个招呼。。。可是不懂为什么，我会把“我是真的关心你的”这句话说出口。原本我就是爱脸的，对一个陌生男孩说这种话。真是糗死了。。可是我也不懂为什么我会说了。。。
就这样，有一天心情很不好，steven叫你去喝酒。你也把我拉去了。。。。也许你不知道我那天晚上心情坏的原因吧，是因为我觉得很伤心，我要去澳洲了，好喜欢你，我知道你也一样喜欢我，可是我们真的说不出口，因为我知道远距离无法维持。。好几次我伤心地打给你也是因为这个原因。可是你永远都不知道。你只是说，“希望你能够回来坐我的新车”还记得我有一次在电话里，叫你必须到机场送我机，我有话想跟你说。。你问我是什么？我说去送你就会知道了。。其实我心里只是想在机场跟你说我好喜欢你。。可是那天你就牵我的手走进pub里，我真的无法拒绝。。。看到有人跳舞，想起以前一直跳舞，好开心。可是现在不能了。。。akon 的right now 响起，我听了更伤心。
It's been so long, that I haven't seen your face, I'm trying to be strong, but the strength I have is washing away.it won't be long, before I get you by my side, and just hold you, tease you, squeeze you, tell you what's been on my mind.I wanna make up right now na na, I wanna make up right now na na, wish we never broke up right now na na, we need to link up right now na na, I wanna make up right now na na, I wanna make up right now na na, wish we never broke up right now na na, we need to link up right now na na,
Wish we never broke 这句完全是不可能发生。所以我超不喜欢这首歌。那天晚上我喝了好多。因为好伤心，说不出口的伤心。我真的无法说出口，只是心里一直跟你说着“对不起，原谅我没有对你说”在车上，我好伤心，你借了我你的肩膀。。。我就只能在你的怀里哭。。我不能做什么。。。原谅我的无奈。。原谅这一份无法说出口的爱。你曾经问我，你想要做什，你说出来，也许我帮到你。我没答你。。我只在我心里说我要的东西是每人能够帮到我的，我要一颗永远爱我的心，我不要寂寞，我害怕寂寞。我要每年有男朋友陪我过生日，情人节。可以收到生日和情人节礼物。我不要每一年生日都是孤单地落泪。我不要一个人吃着蛋糕。我不要。我一直都好不喜欢3月27日这一天你懂吗？多希望3月没有27日，那我就不必再伤心。
可是，也许真的冥冥中注定我们的缘分就是要在一起。没有人开过口要求。。。。。可是到最后还是在一起。。。你怎样解释这样的巧合？是老天爷在眷顾我们，还是老天爷在跟我们开玩笑呢？
有次你妈妈病了，在医院。。。我感觉到你好伤心。。。。我也陪你去看你妈妈。。。。那天晚上，全summit的人都知道我跟你回家。。。其实你永远都不知道，那天晚上我接到好通电话，收到好多封msg 问我怎么跟你在一起。叫我不要跟你在一起。其实我知道，这是我自己自讨苦吃。因为没人看好我们。全不认都在赌着我们几时会分手。那天晚上你哭了，你说你怕妈妈会离开你。我的眼泪也掉下，可是我装着很开心地安慰你，我伤心。。因为我怕在你妈妈离开你的那段你最伤心的时刻，我不在你身边陪你。可是我没说。。。也许好多事情我都没说出口，因为我知道事实会把我们拉回现实。。
你有次带我去看医生。在clinic门口。我感动地说“我爱你”。而你，却感动地坐在clinic里，跟我说了我像你会说的话。。你说“我一直都希望在我还没说我爱你之前你会先跟我说，我不说并不代表我不在乎你，并不代表不爱你，而在我心里已经认定了你”我真的好感动。那时开始我认定了你。也越来越爱你。
现在，不知道为什么上帝要把你从我身边带走，大概是想让我知道一旦失去了你，我到底会有多想你。有人说，在坠入爱河之前，要先知道河有多深。为什么是我？我依然找不到谜底。我每天都跟所有失忆的故事一样可笑。只是我连什么是笑都忘了。每天重复做着2件事，想起自己 ，忘记自己。连痛苦也是种无味。
然而，老天爷并没有站在我的这边，过去的那个我。也彻底消失了。我想老天爷应该是把我弄丢了，在眷顾的名单里没有我的名字。。以前每次看着你睡觉时的侧脸，我都会轻轻吻你。因为不知道以后还有没有这样的幸福。。你已离开了我1个多月。所有人都说你有女朋友了。但我觉得你还在，也许我在欺骗自己，不愿意接受现实。每次想起和你的记忆，才发觉，原来我也懂得笑，而且笑得好幸福。原来我这双手，也曾经被你紧握过。可是你轻易地把它放开了。看来，老天爷弄丢的，不只是我。。还有我的快乐他也弄丢了。。
你知道我有多想念你吗？你在哪里？你有听到吗？我好想你，好想好想你。如果那时我没有离开你的视线，那么现在我还会很幸福地依偎在你身边。我每天都在这里等你，多希望你也会回到原点等我。
SPM成绩揭晓，我的成绩不错。所以妈妈不给我去台湾了。而我自己那时候也不想去台湾而想来澳洲，因为有个人在这里。就这样决定来澳洲了。因为那个时候有3个月的时间，我想没事做，就想做工。而当时有好几家都要请我，就这样的选择了miracle.. 到底是注定的还是什么。。。我真的模糊。那么刚巧，在我上班的第一天，我知道了他的一些事情而吵架从此分手也没再联络。就这样原本在shah alam 的我，做了1个月后，就要到subang summit 去了。本来我根本就不想去那边，因为summit真的好闷。我其实是被调去one utama 的。。。可是因为同事的不便，他要去one utama 所以我就去summit....就这样。。。在一次我跟妈妈吵架才过上电话，无意中看到了你。那种感觉好像似曾相识，可是你的脸好lansi好欠打。。根本就不想跟你讲话。睬你都傻。而我每次就摆了一幅高贵的样。大概也没什么人敢接近我吧。
到了有一天，我跟mandy原本是约好4个以前在shah alam 工作的朋友一起“打边炉”可时候他们到最后都放飞机。我们2个觉得好无趣，就想叫你啊，steven,sam,kelvin去。可是kelvin,sam 都不能。我也懒惰了。。就跟mandy说，打不如在old town 吃好啦。。。4个人而已。。。mandy 就想要开口的时候，steven 就说“干嘛？想放飞机啊？”mandy 连忙说没有啦，等下不见不散。就这样被逼着去了因为不能放飞机啊。。。
就这样，我们4个就坐在asian cafe 里了。。也不懂从什么时候开始。对你有种特别的感觉。第一次我们就坐在station 1 里喝酒。那时我坐你对面，你却跟我说，要我坐在你旁边。那时心里想“这个人什么怪癖啊？又不是你女朋友，我堂堂caryn又要换位” 这一辈子只有人家迁就我，没有我迁就过人家。
而那一次原本想叫你陪我做passport。。。你却病了，好可怜啊。。我的人就是不会理会朋友并不病啦。搞好自己就好了。可是我无法控制我自己不去关心你。。过后还要叫我去到你面前跟你说“我是真的关心你”。。原本想睬你都傻啊。。。我才不会做这种白痴的事。而且当时我在summit的举动是每个人都会盯着的。。就连我放工后跟谁出去吃什么，是全summit的人都知道。太恐怖了。可是那天真的太无聊了。。。。一个人在那边。。。看到你来了。。。就想走过去打个招呼。。。可是不懂为什么，我会把“我是真的关心你的”这句话说出口。原本我就是爱脸的，对一个陌生男孩说这种话。真是糗死了。。可是我也不懂为什么我会说了。。。
就这样，有一天心情很不好，steven叫你去喝酒。你也把我拉去了。。。。也许你不知道我那天晚上心情坏的原因吧，是因为我觉得很伤心，我要去澳洲了，好喜欢你，我知道你也一样喜欢我，可是我们真的说不出口，因为我知道远距离无法维持。。好几次我伤心地打给你也是因为这个原因。可是你永远都不知道。你只是说，“希望你能够回来坐我的新车”还记得我有一次在电话里，叫你必须到机场送我机，我有话想跟你说。。你问我是什么？我说去送你就会知道了。。其实我心里只是想在机场跟你说我好喜欢你。。可是那天你就牵我的手走进pub里，我真的无法拒绝。。。看到有人跳舞，想起以前一直跳舞，好开心。可是现在不能了。。。akon 的right now 响起，我听了更伤心。
It's been so long, that I haven't seen your face, I'm trying to be strong, but the strength I have is washing away.it won't be long, before I get you by my side, and just hold you, tease you, squeeze you, tell you what's been on my mind.I wanna make up right now na na, I wanna make up right now na na, wish we never broke up right now na na, we need to link up right now na na, I wanna make up right now na na, I wanna make up right now na na, wish we never broke up right now na na, we need to link up right now na na,
Wish we never broke 这句完全是不可能发生。所以我超不喜欢这首歌。那天晚上我喝了好多。因为好伤心，说不出口的伤心。我真的无法说出口，只是心里一直跟你说着“对不起，原谅我没有对你说”在车上，我好伤心，你借了我你的肩膀。。。我就只能在你的怀里哭。。我不能做什么。。。原谅我的无奈。。原谅这一份无法说出口的爱。你曾经问我，你想要做什，你说出来，也许我帮到你。我没答你。。我只在我心里说我要的东西是每人能够帮到我的，我要一颗永远爱我的心，我不要寂寞，我害怕寂寞。我要每年有男朋友陪我过生日，情人节。可以收到生日和情人节礼物。我不要每一年生日都是孤单地落泪。我不要一个人吃着蛋糕。我不要。我一直都好不喜欢3月27日这一天你懂吗？多希望3月没有27日，那我就不必再伤心。
可是，也许真的冥冥中注定我们的缘分就是要在一起。没有人开过口要求。。。。。可是到最后还是在一起。。。你怎样解释这样的巧合？是老天爷在眷顾我们，还是老天爷在跟我们开玩笑呢？
有次你妈妈病了，在医院。。。我感觉到你好伤心。。。。我也陪你去看你妈妈。。。。那天晚上，全summit的人都知道我跟你回家。。。其实你永远都不知道，那天晚上我接到好通电话，收到好多封msg 问我怎么跟你在一起。叫我不要跟你在一起。其实我知道，这是我自己自讨苦吃。因为没人看好我们。全不认都在赌着我们几时会分手。那天晚上你哭了，你说你怕妈妈会离开你。我的眼泪也掉下，可是我装着很开心地安慰你，我伤心。。因为我怕在你妈妈离开你的那段你最伤心的时刻，我不在你身边陪你。可是我没说。。。也许好多事情我都没说出口，因为我知道事实会把我们拉回现实。。
你有次带我去看医生。在clinic门口。我感动地说“我爱你”。而你，却感动地坐在clinic里，跟我说了我像你会说的话。。你说“我一直都希望在我还没说我爱你之前你会先跟我说，我不说并不代表我不在乎你，并不代表不爱你，而在我心里已经认定了你”我真的好感动。那时开始我认定了你。也越来越爱你。
现在，不知道为什么上帝要把你从我身边带走，大概是想让我知道一旦失去了你，我到底会有多想你。有人说，在坠入爱河之前，要先知道河有多深。为什么是我？我依然找不到谜底。我每天都跟所有失忆的故事一样可笑。只是我连什么是笑都忘了。每天重复做着2件事，想起自己 ，忘记自己。连痛苦也是种无味。
然而，老天爷并没有站在我的这边，过去的那个我。也彻底消失了。我想老天爷应该是把我弄丢了，在眷顾的名单里没有我的名字。。以前每次看着你睡觉时的侧脸，我都会轻轻吻你。因为不知道以后还有没有这样的幸福。。你已离开了我1个多月。所有人都说你有女朋友了。但我觉得你还在，也许我在欺骗自己，不愿意接受现实。每次想起和你的记忆，才发觉，原来我也懂得笑，而且笑得好幸福。原来我这双手，也曾经被你紧握过。可是你轻易地把它放开了。看来，老天爷弄丢的，不只是我。。还有我的快乐他也弄丢了。。
你知道我有多想念你吗？你在哪里？你有听到吗？我好想你，好想好想你。如果那时我没有离开你的视线，那么现在我还会很幸福地依偎在你身边。我每天都在这里等你，多希望你也会回到原点等我。
29 Aug 2009
tired
its really a stressful life here...everyday have a lot of assignment,presentation which related to my education to do...somemore exam every week,i have to study hard to achieve a good result.if failed to do so..need to pay a lot to reseat the test.....otherwise,still have lot job to do in the workplace..want do of 3D design for my engineer......and have to publish all the marketing stuff....its realy tired....even weekend,i still have to rush my work....whole night didnt sleep,cause wana rush a lot work....this morning 7am only have time to take a nap...sigh......i miss malaysia life very much........i hate this kind of life
feel so sorry to my mum...yesterday chat with her in a rude way...because i am very pek chek and confusing with my life now,...yet nothing can i do and just hide it up....i just can cry in the bathroom...actuslly i am very weak....why i should pretend as very tough woman?i don't understand......even a tough a strong woman also need a husband or a boyfriend to rely...yet now i don't have both of them...who can borrow me your shoulder to let me lay for a couple minutes?a couple minutes its enough...........let me charge my battery first,then i can operate well very soon.
the malaysia's national day is around the corner,unfortunate i am not in malaysia now....maybe to all my friends in malaysia don't have any feeling with merdeka day....somemore will be happy cause can get a FOC holiday...but to me.....the feeling is different....i miss malaysia very much....i miss my friends,my family very much.......i am afraid of have the same feeling in chinese new year...you guys can gather with your family celebrate chinese new year,but i not able to do so...i believe next year chinese new year which drop on 14 february(valentine day),i will feel very lonely......i afarid of that depressed feeling.......
feel so sorry to my mum...yesterday chat with her in a rude way...because i am very pek chek and confusing with my life now,...yet nothing can i do and just hide it up....i just can cry in the bathroom...actuslly i am very weak....why i should pretend as very tough woman?i don't understand......even a tough a strong woman also need a husband or a boyfriend to rely...yet now i don't have both of them...who can borrow me your shoulder to let me lay for a couple minutes?a couple minutes its enough...........let me charge my battery first,then i can operate well very soon.
the malaysia's national day is around the corner,unfortunate i am not in malaysia now....maybe to all my friends in malaysia don't have any feeling with merdeka day....somemore will be happy cause can get a FOC holiday...but to me.....the feeling is different....i miss malaysia very much....i miss my friends,my family very much.......i am afraid of have the same feeling in chinese new year...you guys can gather with your family celebrate chinese new year,but i not able to do so...i believe next year chinese new year which drop on 14 february(valentine day),i will feel very lonely......i afarid of that depressed feeling.......
i love you,do you get me?
the most memorable and unforgetful day in my life.the person who i care the most is going to leave me.there is no need to put an accusing finger at anyone.although i am reluctant but i still have to face it..i wont escape and avoid this.
since the day i leave me,i start endeavor carry out the promise which i promise you before,store up your most loving smile in my mind seek for pretty life in sydney.but you never know my tough just want to hide up the weakness and sadness which deep in my heart.
nightmare everynight came to me,i am realy afraid of everything without you.i am really handling out of hand with you,the memory still in my mind,even its realy hard to forget but i still force myself to forget.but actually i never tried my best to forget it,because the memory are very sweet and beautiful,i not wiling to forget it.every night after switch off the light,i start to recall flashback from my memory..i will very happy when i remember the memory we have creat before,but once i realize that the memory wont happen again in future,my heart start sink and feel painful,then follow by my tear will drop down..i repeat this situation everyday,but i still feel comfortable with that...don't ask me why..maybe i used to missing you every night.
but nothing can i do....i am helpless....just can leave it like that...we getting over about 2month,but in that 2month...you are the person who control our life.even we get along or we broke...you are the only one who decide all of this,i got no any qualification to make a decision.you treat me like treasure when you love me,abandon me when you feel tired.but i never think you are selfish.cause i respect your decision.everyone told me,i should forget you,i deserve the better one.i know that,!!!!but if can forget quickly,if i can fall in love with the better one....then everything will be fine.unfortunately i CAN'T!!!!!!you get it or not??!! "I CAN'T!!!not i don't want to do so"i forget untill i am very suffering and painful.but you never know and wont know forever,nowadays...you are live in life of happinest i believe,you can forget me quickly and lets go and date with other girls.....i should admire your innate ability.
people always say love is like a highwincident that upset me is that you pretend that you don't know me,i pretend that i don't know you.when ay movie.i meet you and leave you..how do you describe a coincidence like this?if there is a i am looking at you,my eyes seem get used to the darkness but getting out of focus.until now,i found out...love you or not,cannot be forced or pretend.
i wish you are happy always,even i am not.
since the day i leave me,i start endeavor carry out the promise which i promise you before,store up your most loving smile in my mind seek for pretty life in sydney.but you never know my tough just want to hide up the weakness and sadness which deep in my heart.
nightmare everynight came to me,i am realy afraid of everything without you.i am really handling out of hand with you,the memory still in my mind,even its realy hard to forget but i still force myself to forget.but actually i never tried my best to forget it,because the memory are very sweet and beautiful,i not wiling to forget it.every night after switch off the light,i start to recall flashback from my memory..i will very happy when i remember the memory we have creat before,but once i realize that the memory wont happen again in future,my heart start sink and feel painful,then follow by my tear will drop down..i repeat this situation everyday,but i still feel comfortable with that...don't ask me why..maybe i used to missing you every night.
but nothing can i do....i am helpless....just can leave it like that...we getting over about 2month,but in that 2month...you are the person who control our life.even we get along or we broke...you are the only one who decide all of this,i got no any qualification to make a decision.you treat me like treasure when you love me,abandon me when you feel tired.but i never think you are selfish.cause i respect your decision.everyone told me,i should forget you,i deserve the better one.i know that,!!!!but if can forget quickly,if i can fall in love with the better one....then everything will be fine.unfortunately i CAN'T!!!!!!you get it or not??!! "I CAN'T!!!not i don't want to do so"i forget untill i am very suffering and painful.but you never know and wont know forever,nowadays...you are live in life of happinest i believe,you can forget me quickly and lets go and date with other girls.....i should admire your innate ability.
people always say love is like a highwincident that upset me is that you pretend that you don't know me,i pretend that i don't know you.when ay movie.i meet you and leave you..how do you describe a coincidence like this?if there is a i am looking at you,my eyes seem get used to the darkness but getting out of focus.until now,i found out...love you or not,cannot be forced or pretend.
i wish you are happy always,even i am not.
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