my day

早上skype到一半你就说有急事要出去，那时意大利已经凌晨了。不懂你要出去干嘛。过后接到你的电话说你2个朋友失踪了，所以要去找他们。可是过了一个小时后我再打给你，你的电话已经打不通了。2个意大利的号码，1个马来的号码，全都打不通。

我开始担心，发了好多封信息，你都没回，打了几百通电话也不通。我真的好担心，好紧张到哭了，真的很怕你发生了什么事。我坐也不是，站也不是。到处找你。又不懂你又要给我什么惊喜了，或许我走出公寓就看到你。可是，那也只是幻想吧！真的是超级担心的…担心地一直在那边祈祷，希望你的人可以平平安安就好。

我就连考试都心不在焉的，幸好今天考电脑的spreadsheet,是不用像读书一样的。我冲冲把它做完，交了卷，就跑出电脑室打给你，还是打不通。回到家，一直打一直打给你，还是打不通。原本还要跟朋友到coogee beach BBQ.可是怎么还有心情，有点打算不去了。到了傍晚，我才收到你的信息。拿起电话，马上打给你。听到你的声音，我真的超开心，开心你平安。好像放下心头的大石一样，松了一口气。那时我只是在market city买点东西，好多人在旁边，不然我的眼泪真的会夺框而出了。你说出了点事了，可是你不说是什么事，我真的好担心，好担心你。明天真的要去庙里烧香，拜拜一下了。

我第一次那么担心一个人。唉。。别再给我什么惊喜了，你lou po我受不了什么刺激了。过后才跟朋友到coogee BBQ.可是我朋友驾车又走错路，走到marouba去了，弯来湾去，我的头很晕，很不舒服。好不容易到了coogee,真的站都不稳了。吃了2颗panadol.好点，可是BBQ过后，又呕了。真的超不舒服的。搭了一辆巴士回家。

从liverpool street走到我家，经过coles,就买了包酸梅吃。总算好点。最倒霉的是，撞见了一个之前在店里跟我表白的女生，我的天啊，这下她把我缠着不放。我才装作很不舒服要回家了，她才放我走。

=(

Its nearly 4am.but i cant sleep as well..

its a difficulty day for me,i suddenly feel that im so lonely at the moment.who can chat with me?can bear the hardship with me?i cried myself to sleep,but still not able to...something happened to my family,but nothing can i do.

honestly,somemore having some trouble in life right now.i never mention it,i believe i can settle it myself..its sigh...but i born to be tough...i trust on myself..its so called "life",right? =（got no idea with how long should i have to keep alive in this kind of life...alright,no worries about that.talk about some other trifling stuff,ever since my lou gong leaving to italy,causes of the stupid equation of time.we seldom keep in contact all the time.somemore he is working over there,so i should understand his situation and dont ever told my dissatified..i miss him dearly in heart..



still waiting for the day with love.........

mss u guys!!!!

刚刚看回了以前的所有照片。。真的好怀念以前中学时候GIRLGUIDE 的生活。。开始发觉为什么以前的GIRL GUIDE 的照片那么少。。。梅，芳，恬，怡。。。谢谢你们跟我一起走过5年中学生涯，从form1 开始，我们和翠秀一起，为GIRL GUIDE 出生入死。。可是form2,秀走了。芳也从st john 换过来girl guide…还记得当初好像是搞了很大件事吧。。可是最后还是成功了。。
我们从leader教我们kawat,一直到我们当人家的leader教人家KAWAT。。。从被leader 骂。到我们当leader骂member..那个过程，现在回想起来，真的可喜可悲。那么多年，为了比赛，一直练一直练。。在太阳底下嗮，跑10圈操场做热身，还是跑15圈篮球场。。迟到又被leader罚30圈。。。现在要跑也没了。。。可是一直比赛，比了州赛那么多年。。最遗憾的是没有`一次拿过JOHAN ，NAIB JOHAN 就有份。。。可是也不能怪，33个人的默契能培养到NAIBJOHAN 已经不赖了。。为了比赛，晚上也跑到学校练，学校不批准，还跑到附近的DEWAN 练。。。哈哈。。比赛前一天晚上换人。。。本来没有得比州赛，全部人跑到校长室去求校长，甚至求到哭得那种，才换来一次比赛的权力。。还记得吗？

千手观音这支舞蹈，我们到底巡回到处去跳了多少次？记得吗？我也数不清了。。。 puteri gunung ledang 这支舞蹈，也是巡回跳了多少次，还比到全世界的传统舞蹈，还拿了冠军，真的不可思议。。。我们的舞蹈，可以说必战必赢，可是form5那年的campfire,输给了st john…真的还蛮失望的吧。。可是没有想到，那是我们5个在一起跳得最后一支舞蹈。

每次有什么活动，我们都会到芳or恬的家去准备。。hari kantin,我们大多数会去芳的家，大煮一番。。什么东西不好吃不好喝的，都会给我们调配到很好味道。。。。真的太神奇这样的精神。
梅，芳，怡。。。我没有跟你们去过CAMPING ，每次都是我和恬去。。希望在未来的某一天，我们5个可以一起去camping…你们说好不好？？你们的girlguide full uniform 还有在吗？我想那个uniform我现在变肥了，应该穿不下了。。哈哈哈哈。。。。。。。现在我们5个都在不同地方了，梅在melbourne,芳在singapore,恬在taiwan,怡在kl,我在sydney…真的是分布在不同的地方。。要见面的机会也很难咯。。不管怎样，我还是会祝福你们天天都开心。。别忘了，结婚的时候请我当伴娘哦。。
FRIEND FOREVER
Muackssssszzzzz………love u guys!!!!!!

miss it

老公，好想你啊。最不好就是你的香港号码啦，过了kastam就没信号。noob line!!!今晚你就到意大利了，你在飞机上的13个小时我应该会很想你吧！我看iphone,现在那边才6度，你一定没把暖衣带足够的吧。

刚刚，又一个人走到darling harbour去了，经常跟你去的地方。突然间想起好多东西。以前还没遇到你，不开心时总会到那个地方去想东西，就会想通很多了。

还记得有一次有2个鬼佬在那里脱个清光跳下港里游泳，我要看，你偏生气不给我看。哎呀，那时那么多人看着。多我一个也不会怎样吧。哈哈哈哈哈哈…

让我记忆最深的就是，我们一起去guccee beach,本来只是想去走走，可是却看到海太爽了，就到附近买了泳衣，马上换了就跳进海里。超级疯狂，可是很值得回忆。

哈哈…现在回想起来，我们的相遇，真的太过巧妙了。天时，地利，人合。好像是老天安排好的缘份一样。以前在kl只是认识你咯。完全没想到会跟你在一起，缘份好奇妙。

I meet u in Sydney accidentally without any comitment. I duno whether this is a coincidence or that's our predestine. After that v fall in love with each other and hang over. But unfortunately you stay in Melbourne.and came Sydney for travelling. 1second before we meet each other. Both of us have a specific feeling. Like we can feel that we will meet someone that important to us very soon. So I'm just turn around my head. And I saw u On the same time,u have the same feeling. When u turn around your head. V saw each other......HOW ROMANTIC IS IT??LIKE A PART FROM THE MOVIE......so i do appreciate you so much and wont lets you go.....unless you want leave me....alright??


放心啦，我会好好爱你的，从以前到现在，最疼是你了。知道吗？笨蛋！！！！

love it....=)

已经好久都没光顾这里了。可是现在跟以往不同了。现在有一个很疼我，很爱我的老公了。也感谢老天爷让我们相遇。可是，觉得很抱歉。因为现在的我跟以前的我已经不一样了，现在的我已经把自己完全封闭了，什么也不想讲什么也不想做。就一直让你在猜我在想什么。对不起噢，笨蛋。

还记得你离开悉尼的前一晚，我哭了。可是你不知道，我哭并不是因为我们要分开一段时间，而是我看到电话里你写给我的那句话，“要记得有个人永远都那么爱你哦！”我突然间觉得我自己被老天爷宠爱的感觉，原来它并没有忘记我。还会安排一个那么疼爱我的老公给我。其实你不说什么甜言蜜语。但你还是不经意地从每一个动作表现出你的疼爱。你每次，总是把最好的留给我，把坏的留给自己。对我就像公主一样。

有时候也很气你为什么不懂得像其他男人一样疼自己多一些。知道我爱吃inari就趁我上学时跑到world tower那档买了给我放学肚子饿时吃…知道我懒惰剥虾壳，就剥给我…知道我懒惰走路就背着我走…知道我爱吃什么，虽然你爱吃但你都会让给我吃…知道我爱吃葱油饼，半夜也陪我到george street哪里吃…风吹来很冷，你穿得比我还少，可是你却用你的身体来帮我挡风…知道我喝不了热的东西，就会把你快凉的那份让我…老公，这一切我从来都没说过，但是我都看在眼里，甜在心里。可是有很多时候还是会警惕自己，认为你只是在做样子玩玩而已。我想很多人会这么想吧。可是，我看到的并不是虚假的，我看到你付出你的真心。可是，真的很对不起，我之前被伤了好多好多，所以我现在并不是会完全相信你。可是我相信时间能证明一切，你也不会让我失望。

还记得在martin place日本sunioya BBQ我们俩甜蜜得被waitress羡慕地笑我们吗？记得在darling harbour,你背我，我们幸福地被旁人笑吗？记得在机场的电梯，你抱起我玩，有趣得被旁边的人笑吗？他们的笑并不是在笑我们白痴，是笑我们太幸福了。。

你知不知道，当你对我说，如果我们能一起活到老，你会让我先离开这个世界，并不是你先离开。因为你说你想让我最后一面还是会见到你，你说留下来的那个人会是最痛苦，最伤心的，而你是最不想让我伤心的那一位…我听了，我的心里会笑，感动得哭。是真的第一次感动到哭了。你说的话，我都有记在心里的。虽然我表面冷漠无情，好像不在意你的模样。让你紧张得要命。可是我不懂得表达内心的想法。希望你这个笨蛋会了解。好吗？

每次跟你谈完电话，你都会让我先挂电话。我就知道你是最疼我的那个，也会是从以前到现在，对我最好的那个了。。。因为我知道，听挂完电话后的那个声音很不好过。。。所以你永远都不会先挂我电话。

现在的你在香港，多担心你喝多酒伤胃啊！过后你又要去意大利，和巴黎，好担心你会冷着了！我会等你回来的噢。不管以后发生什么事，我相信我们都会一起牵手渡过的。可是只有你这个大笨蛋，一直担心我不爱你。爱你啦。

my happiness

Sorry for yesterday didnt update my blog.because i going home too late and i am too drunk.i go for karaoke with all my hong kong colleague about 40++ people included my boss.but having fun with hong kong people is nice,because while someone sing,we never get bored.we will play many game with dadu and gesture.even i don't know how to play,but plenty people teach me.so i learn from them easier.a loser in the game need to drink whole glass of the alcohol beverage as a punishment.

there is very interesting,somemore we never ever get bored,this is the main point.but a lot peoples was drunk.."never back home before drunk"this is the rule in sydney.all of us spend about 4000 dollar yesterday.we back home about 4am.
the 1st time i drunk in sydney.haha.the 1st time.even i was drunk,but i still know take care myself and recognize the way to my home.somemore that time still very crowded on the street,but drunk people every where.

actually im very happy yesterday,not because of that,is whole day.after all of this incident happened,i suddenlly realize that,my own happiness is most important..i don't want get confusing about love,friends,situation anymore..just let all of this happen naturally.i just want i will always happy everyday.maybe this is one of the method i love myself.hopefully i will own this kind of life everyday.so now i enjoy my life here,enjoy in my work,enjoy in study,enjoy busy,enjoy boring..this is so called life.a part of growth.

i can feel that after all the unfortunate incident happend,my luck is on the way approach me..because yesterday i receive a phone call from ozana a modelling agency management,they are satisfied with my photoshoot.they ask me meet them on 7/9 after the fashion show,they want to fixed a time to having interview with me in their company.woww.its glad!!somemore i receive my salary from my boss yesterday,so i have money to pay the landlord and claim back my burberry bag.hahahaha.

finally

Finally today I know why the landlord trying kick me out from the house already,I accidentally heard the conversation between her and her sister.the reason is so strange,just because of her husband treate me very good.so she jealous…..afraid of I will grab her husband.so she simply find some reason to kick me out.i don’t know want feel funny or sad…….why?the husband’s appearance is like a gay,can feel he is dirty….talkative somemore,always talk with me until I unable to stand and unable to bear it….everytime just ignore him…..so there is impossible I will like her husband.

But all of this is over…is past.i am moving to a new house named harbour garden.most of the villager is from Europe country,so the environment look very high class and beautiful like a 5star hotel in Malaysia.i love the environment very much. My housemate is come from brazil,japanese,Europe,korea..everyone in this house have different nationality,its good so we can learn different culture and different language from each other.

Actually I am facing some trouble about the finance problem.because once I move in this house,I have to pay 2000 dollar,but I don’t have so much money.because my mum is just send me the money yesterday,but I have to wait a couple days for the transaction to my account.i cant stand with the situation as before,everyday cry,sad,depressed.i wan move in as soon as possible,so I have a idea,just hand over some valueable thing to my new owner first.so I hand over my burberry bag for her first..cause this is my most valueable thing right now.i am so sad.my burberry bag is not with me now.=”( when I receive the money I will pay the bond fee,and I can get back my bag already…so I hope I will receive it tomorrow.in short,as fast as possible.

Thanks my friend,ohmi.he is helping me to moving house.he help me carry all the baggage.actually he is a good guy…and funny..he is always trying to make me smile when I was depressed.he is my classmate,who is a 22years old guy from Thailand.but actually I don’t like his attitude always like to touch me even I am not his gf….i hate it,really!!!but he help me so much,so nothing I can say..just tried my best to avoid it.

But I am disappointed,in the end the Korean friend don’t trust on me.so our relationship is gone.what can I say what can I do what can I explain I already done it.she trust me or not just depends on her,at least I wont regret,cause I done everything I can do.just don’t know why,I treat her like my sister all the time.every Saturday she need to work alone until 12am,she is afraid alone.so every Saturday I will visit her store and chat with her until 12am and going home together. I am always cook for her,cause she don’t know cooking as well….i tried my best to treat her as good as I can.but in the end,my retribution is just…..UNBELIEVEABLE

Its ok.nevermind.as well as I never do that.so I never feel guilty.i start my new life now.new environment,new friends,new situation.i wish everything will be fine start from now.finally I had been over all the difficulty by myself.a part of growth.i feel glad with that….on the pathway heading to being mature and tough.

女人要坚强，再苦也要笑，笑着当自己的公主

我真的喘不过气了。真的很辛苦。如果这个世界上有种手术是会让人失忆的话，那不管花多少钱。要我有多大的牺牲，我都要去动这个手术。可是没有这回事。我真的很希望可以发生一场意外，而从此失忆。 昨晚有自杀的念头，可是想起了好多事情，我取消了这个念头。我的心真的累了，痛了，苦了，伤了

真的不懂从什么时候开始，我都不曾笑过。应该是7月26号那天开始吧。你离开我的那天。每天我都会让自己很忙地忘掉你。都忘了怎样去笑了。
真的不懂从什么时候开始。我开始每晚都失眠，每天都躺在床上翻来滚去，可是我还是一直眼睁睁到天亮。

真的不懂从什么时候开始，我开始每一天晚上都会痛苦得大哭一场。真的太多事情让我担心，让我烦恼。工作的事，学业上的事，朋友的事，感情上的事。每天都被一大堆东西压着我差不多透不过气。现在却发生这种事，我真的束手无策。
其实，很多时候真的还蛮想自杀，也许这个世界根本不属于我。死了，真的可以一了百了，不用烦不用想不用伤心不用痛苦。可是如果这样做，不代表跟命运低头了吗？不！这个只是把内心的脆弱表露给人家看。我做不到。
我必须证明给很多人看，我不是像他们所说的一样不成熟，不独立。我必须证明他们说的都错了。曾经因为我的不成熟，曾经给人判了死刑。
现在，很须要一个靠得住的肩膀，来让我靠一下。可是，我不能。。现在我真的不可以有男朋友，在我还没有改变我自己之前，千万不能有男朋友。可是我好累啊，怎么办？我是真的好累，好累…心里的伤痕，有谁能看到？

在subang工作的那几个月里，真的是我这辈子从没尝试过的开心。每天都那么地无忧无虑，还有人疼爱。我以后，还会有这样的幸福吗？那些日子其实很简单，每天重复地做一样的东西。可是真的很幸福。

我想，老天真的把我弄丢了，所以在倦顾的名单里没有我的名字。为什么是我必须受这种痛苦？我不知道。我也找不到答案。也许它是要我以后成功吧！有一句话说，老天要成就一个人以前，必须要劳其经骨，饿其体肤吗？我真的很希望这一切都会成为过去。我会有一个春天。
虽然我没有那么大的力量，却被逼扛那么大块的东西。我没有选择，真的没有选择。只能用酒精来麻醉自己，来安慰自己。只有在我醉了以后，才不会有那么多烦恼。

someone is trying drag me to hell

just having a great quarrel with my korean best friend and the house owner.there is out of my expertation that today will have this kind of incident happened.

the only one korean friend who is very familiar with me in sydney is going to misunderstood me.i am very depressed and dissapointed that the house owner will say something bad about me to my friend.actually i feel very thankfull to my house owner along this time,because she help me a lot since i arrived in sydney.but today i change my view to her....why she is pretending inmature than me even she is 32years old?

the house owner was going severe injury behind me.she told the korean friend that i always said a lot bad thing about the korean friend to my parent.because the owner hear the conversation between me and my mum via skype.she is just a indonesian chinese but don't know chinese well,don't know writting in chinese,even communication also have problem.but she said to my korean friend that she know what i talking with my mum.and translate in english to korean friend.but all the thing she told is nonsen,i never mention it before.yet her english level is worse than me even she stay in australia already 13years. did you can imagine that a person who worse in chinese and english,HOW TO TRANSLATE? but the korean friend don't know her chinese is bad.just believe on it.

no wonder the korean friend treat me very unwell this few days.the another one thing which is out of my expertation is,the owner told my korean friend that yesterday i was talking with my mum on skype.i told my mum all the bad thing about the korean gal.but i am very suspect,yesterday i woke up at 4pm,and then i have take a shower and having my meal,make up all,after that about 5.30pm i am rushing to the rehearsal.i back from rehearsal at 1am.i never having a conversation with my mum yesterday.why the owner told my friend that i was talking about her bad thing to my mum yesterday....why she want to do so??besides,what point i want told my mum all the bad thing about the korean gal?i am curious.why the owner can told this kind of nonsen?

so the korean friend is going to angry at me.and misunderstanding me.but i never do all this kind of shit thing.what the point she want do that.i am curious.along this time,my relationship with the house owner is very good.we always help each other.understand each other.why she is going to change her personality suddenly.i always play with her son,buy food for her son,cooking for her son.whats wrong i did?i don't know.so i think she drive me away from home last night is not simple as just the carpet's problem.she already plan all of this long time ago.

its ok for me.even i cry just now.but after crying i will be tough start from now forwards.that is my turn to be tough.......everything happened out of my expertation.so i am just facing it out of my expertation with a positive way...i should undergo all of this to becoming mature and strong.learning to be a perfect woman now.the weak girl before is dissapear start from this moment.i have confident i can done it.cheer..caryn!!

安慰的心

虽然我很难过。可是听到你的声音。很安慰。。。。心情放松了好多。

虽然不懂你心里到底要怎样。。。不！！应该是不懂老天爷会把我们怎样。
我会很快回去，继续我们未完成的天堂。。。你要等我。。。等我。。。好不好？

i am completely fucked up

today......is the most horrible and scary day in sydney.i had been drive away by my house owner out from my current accomodation. Just because of I stain the carpet with some cosmetic just now.but that time I have rushing out to having a rehearsal.there got no enough time for me to clean it up.still in my mind that I will clean it once I coming back from rehearsal.but once I step into my house,the house owner keep scolding me without hearing my reason.she just get cranky on me by this way and ask me keep my baggage and move out quickly.somemore I have to pay her 1000dollar as a fee to change the carpet.

the time is 1.30am..i been drive away from home.1september2009,i will remember this day forever..

the weather outside is cold and have a strong wind...because the spring is just around the corner..my leg was hurt and still need to carry all the baggage...feel that very out of luck nowsaday,why i have this kind of destiny??i drift on................

my tear is drop down that time........and sitting on the roadside,dont know where should i go...along this time i am disguise to be tough all the time.because i know that i not able to let my mum or all the people who care me worried about me.i am just alone in foreign country,i suppose facing all of this incident myself without rely on anyone.but now i cant,i realy cant pretending tough,no more energy to disguise.i am tired to be tough...now...i just know crying....sitting on the roadside and cry for everything.

after recharge my mobile phone in the convenience store nearby.i start hand up my cell phone...but i stut there....cause i don't know who should i make a call.i can't call the person who i would like to call.feel very unfamilliar with my phone.i quite a long time never use it already.sometime even where i put my phone i also don't know.

i start check my contact list one by one.i suddenly realize that i got no a familiar friends in australia.....i just have the number with all the guy who wanna chase me..but they are really hatefull somemore annoying.i don't like to contact them,even they call me i never picked up.otherwise,i just can phone my malaysia's friends..i call one by one from my list,but plenty friends never picked up.finally my subang's brother picked it up.he is the people who most sayang me,and treat me like his sister before.

but I just know how to cry.maybe I am not mature….but I don’t care….never anyone will understand my current situation.cause never anyone undergo it before..alone in foreign country,stressfull,tired,helpless……..yet no place can I stay for tonight.the weather is cold,and the street is dark….drunk people distributed over all….somemore nowsaday a lot Chinese woman was murder in sydney.the murderer cut their body into pieces and throw into wollooggong.i afraid of I will be the target of them.but I refused to told my mum about this,because I know they will worried me if I told them.i can’t let my mum worried about me again.but in the end I be forced to told my mum also.

After that,I just check in to a hotel.i am really disappointed and upset…….but now I just know crying..i really miss Malaysia very much.but I not able to going back.i hate crying.but when remind that I bullying by a Australia citizen,I really can’t bear it.my tear is like a sea water gush out from my eye out of my control.A moment later,the sky is getting brighter.i know that this is my new days……….i just wipe off my tear and make a brand new start.i know I should tough again for a new day.its enough for me crying,I have to take care of myself start from now onward.should start to search for a new room later.

i should leave this world.i am not suitable for this world.....everyone abandon me.........i hate it

对你来说这些也许已经过去

对你来说也许我们的相遇并不算什么。可是对我而言，我们的相遇本来就是场像老天注定的。想想看，怎么可能一个在KL一个在北马的2个人会在一起呢？而我也在吧生，怎么可能我们会在subang遇到彼此呢？也许这一切已经是冥冥中注定，老天爷要我们相识。我们的缘分一定是很厚很厚，才会那么的相遇了。因为我在吧生读书时根本就没有想过要做工。而那个时候我会去的国家是台湾，并不是澳洲。

SPM成绩揭晓，我的成绩不错。所以妈妈不给我去台湾了。而我自己那时候也不想去台湾而想来澳洲，因为有个人在这里。就这样决定来澳洲了。因为那个时候有3个月的时间，我想没事做，就想做工。而当时有好几家都要请我，就这样的选择了miracle.. 到底是注定的还是什么。。。我真的模糊。那么刚巧，在我上班的第一天，我知道了他的一些事情而吵架从此分手也没再联络。就这样原本在shah alam 的我，做了1个月后，就要到subang summit 去了。本来我根本就不想去那边，因为summit真的好闷。我其实是被调去one utama 的。。。可是因为同事的不便，他要去one utama 所以我就去summit....就这样。。。在一次我跟妈妈吵架才过上电话，无意中看到了你。那种感觉好像似曾相识，可是你的脸好lansi好欠打。。根本就不想跟你讲话。睬你都傻。而我每次就摆了一幅高贵的样。大概也没什么人敢接近我吧。

到了有一天，我跟mandy原本是约好4个以前在shah alam 工作的朋友一起“打边炉”可时候他们到最后都放飞机。我们2个觉得好无趣，就想叫你啊，steven,sam,kelvin去。可是kelvin,sam 都不能。我也懒惰了。。就跟mandy说，打不如在old town 吃好啦。。。4个人而已。。。mandy 就想要开口的时候，steven 就说“干嘛？想放飞机啊？”mandy 连忙说没有啦，等下不见不散。就这样被逼着去了因为不能放飞机啊。。。

就这样，我们4个就坐在asian cafe 里了。。也不懂从什么时候开始。对你有种特别的感觉。第一次我们就坐在station 1 里喝酒。那时我坐你对面，你却跟我说，要我坐在你旁边。那时心里想“这个人什么怪癖啊？又不是你女朋友，我堂堂caryn又要换位” 这一辈子只有人家迁就我，没有我迁就过人家。

而那一次原本想叫你陪我做passport。。。你却病了，好可怜啊。。我的人就是不会理会朋友并不病啦。搞好自己就好了。可是我无法控制我自己不去关心你。。过后还要叫我去到你面前跟你说“我是真的关心你”。。原本想睬你都傻啊。。。我才不会做这种白痴的事。而且当时我在summit的举动是每个人都会盯着的。。就连我放工后跟谁出去吃什么，是全summit的人都知道。太恐怖了。可是那天真的太无聊了。。。。一个人在那边。。。看到你来了。。。就想走过去打个招呼。。。可是不懂为什么，我会把“我是真的关心你的”这句话说出口。原本我就是爱脸的，对一个陌生男孩说这种话。真是糗死了。。可是我也不懂为什么我会说了。。。

就这样，有一天心情很不好，steven叫你去喝酒。你也把我拉去了。。。。也许你不知道我那天晚上心情坏的原因吧，是因为我觉得很伤心，我要去澳洲了，好喜欢你，我知道你也一样喜欢我，可是我们真的说不出口，因为我知道远距离无法维持。。好几次我伤心地打给你也是因为这个原因。可是你永远都不知道。你只是说，“希望你能够回来坐我的新车”还记得我有一次在电话里，叫你必须到机场送我机，我有话想跟你说。。你问我是什么？我说去送你就会知道了。。其实我心里只是想在机场跟你说我好喜欢你。。可是那天你就牵我的手走进pub里，我真的无法拒绝。。。看到有人跳舞，想起以前一直跳舞，好开心。可是现在不能了。。。akon 的right now 响起，我听了更伤心。

It's been so long, that I haven't seen your face, I'm trying to be strong, but the strength I have is washing away.it won't be long, before I get you by my side, and just hold you, tease you, squeeze you, tell you what's been on my mind.I wanna make up right now na na, I wanna make up right now na na, wish we never broke up right now na na, we need to link up right now na na, I wanna make up right now na na, I wanna make up right now na na, wish we never broke up right now na na, we need to link up right now na na,

Wish we never broke 这句完全是不可能发生。所以我超不喜欢这首歌。那天晚上我喝了好多。因为好伤心，说不出口的伤心。我真的无法说出口，只是心里一直跟你说着“对不起，原谅我没有对你说”在车上，我好伤心，你借了我你的肩膀。。。我就只能在你的怀里哭。。我不能做什么。。。原谅我的无奈。。原谅这一份无法说出口的爱。你曾经问我，你想要做什，你说出来，也许我帮到你。我没答你。。我只在我心里说我要的东西是每人能够帮到我的，我要一颗永远爱我的心，我不要寂寞，我害怕寂寞。我要每年有男朋友陪我过生日，情人节。可以收到生日和情人节礼物。我不要每一年生日都是孤单地落泪。我不要一个人吃着蛋糕。我不要。我一直都好不喜欢3月27日这一天你懂吗？多希望3月没有27日，那我就不必再伤心。

可是，也许真的冥冥中注定我们的缘分就是要在一起。没有人开过口要求。。。。。可是到最后还是在一起。。。你怎样解释这样的巧合？是老天爷在眷顾我们，还是老天爷在跟我们开玩笑呢？

有次你妈妈病了，在医院。。。我感觉到你好伤心。。。。我也陪你去看你妈妈。。。。那天晚上，全summit的人都知道我跟你回家。。。其实你永远都不知道，那天晚上我接到好通电话，收到好多封msg 问我怎么跟你在一起。叫我不要跟你在一起。其实我知道，这是我自己自讨苦吃。因为没人看好我们。全不认都在赌着我们几时会分手。那天晚上你哭了，你说你怕妈妈会离开你。我的眼泪也掉下，可是我装着很开心地安慰你，我伤心。。因为我怕在你妈妈离开你的那段你最伤心的时刻，我不在你身边陪你。可是我没说。。。也许好多事情我都没说出口，因为我知道事实会把我们拉回现实。。

你有次带我去看医生。在clinic门口。我感动地说“我爱你”。而你，却感动地坐在clinic里，跟我说了我像你会说的话。。你说“我一直都希望在我还没说我爱你之前你会先跟我说，我不说并不代表我不在乎你，并不代表不爱你，而在我心里已经认定了你”我真的好感动。那时开始我认定了你。也越来越爱你。


现在，不知道为什么上帝要把你从我身边带走，大概是想让我知道一旦失去了你，我到底会有多想你。有人说，在坠入爱河之前，要先知道河有多深。为什么是我？我依然找不到谜底。我每天都跟所有失忆的故事一样可笑。只是我连什么是笑都忘了。每天重复做着2件事，想起自己 ，忘记自己。连痛苦也是种无味。


然而，老天爷并没有站在我的这边，过去的那个我。也彻底消失了。我想老天爷应该是把我弄丢了，在眷顾的名单里没有我的名字。。以前每次看着你睡觉时的侧脸，我都会轻轻吻你。因为不知道以后还有没有这样的幸福。。你已离开了我1个多月。所有人都说你有女朋友了。但我觉得你还在，也许我在欺骗自己，不愿意接受现实。每次想起和你的记忆，才发觉，原来我也懂得笑，而且笑得好幸福。原来我这双手，也曾经被你紧握过。可是你轻易地把它放开了。看来，老天爷弄丢的，不只是我。。还有我的快乐他也弄丢了。。

你知道我有多想念你吗？你在哪里？你有听到吗？我好想你，好想好想你。如果那时我没有离开你的视线，那么现在我还会很幸福地依偎在你身边。我每天都在这里等你，多希望你也会回到原点等我。

tired

its really a stressful life here...everyday have a lot of assignment,presentation which related to my education to do...somemore exam every week,i have to study hard to achieve a good result.if failed to do so..need to pay a lot to reseat the test.....otherwise,still have lot job to do in the workplace..want do of 3D design for my engineer......and have to publish all the marketing stuff....its realy tired....even weekend,i still have to rush my work....whole night didnt sleep,cause wana rush a lot work....this morning 7am only have time to take a nap...sigh......i miss malaysia life very much........i hate this kind of life

feel so sorry to my mum...yesterday chat with her in a rude way...because i am very pek chek and confusing with my life now,...yet nothing can i do and just hide it up....i just can cry in the bathroom...actuslly i am very weak....why i should pretend as very tough woman?i don't understand......even a tough a strong woman also need a husband or a boyfriend to rely...yet now i don't have both of them...who can borrow me your shoulder to let me lay for a couple minutes?a couple minutes its enough...........let me charge my battery first,then i can operate well very soon.

the malaysia's national day is around the corner,unfortunate i am not in malaysia now....maybe to all my friends in malaysia don't have any feeling with merdeka day....somemore will be happy cause can get a FOC holiday...but to me.....the feeling is different....i miss malaysia very much....i miss my friends,my family very much.......i am afraid of have the same feeling in chinese new year...you guys can gather with your family celebrate chinese new year,but i not able to do so...i believe next year chinese new year which drop on 14 february(valentine day),i will feel very lonely......i afarid of that depressed feeling.......

i love you,do you get me?

the most memorable and unforgetful day in my life.the person who i care the most is going to leave me.there is no need to put an accusing finger at anyone.although i am reluctant but i still have to face it..i wont escape and avoid this.

since the day i leave me,i start endeavor carry out the promise which i promise you before,store up your most loving smile in my mind seek for pretty life in sydney.but you never know my tough just want to hide up the weakness and sadness which deep in my heart.

nightmare everynight came to me,i am realy afraid of everything without you.i am really handling out of hand with you,the memory still in my mind,even its realy hard to forget but i still force myself to forget.but actually i never tried my best to forget it,because the memory are very sweet and beautiful,i not wiling to forget it.every night after switch off the light,i start to recall flashback from my memory..i will very happy when i remember the memory we have creat before,but once i realize that the memory wont happen again in future,my heart start sink and feel painful,then follow by my tear will drop down..i repeat this situation everyday,but i still feel comfortable with that...don't ask me why..maybe i used to missing you every night.

but nothing can i do....i am helpless....just can leave it like that...we getting over about 2month,but in that 2month...you are the person who control our life.even we get along or we broke...you are the only one who decide all of this,i got no any qualification to make a decision.you treat me like treasure when you love me,abandon me when you feel tired.but i never think you are selfish.cause i respect your decision.everyone told me,i should forget you,i deserve the better one.i know that,!!!!but if can forget quickly,if i can fall in love with the better one....then everything will be fine.unfortunately i CAN'T!!!!!!you get it or not??!! "I CAN'T!!!not i don't want to do so"i forget untill i am very suffering and painful.but you never know and wont know forever,nowadays...you are live in life of happinest i believe,you can forget me quickly and lets go and date with other girls.....i should admire your innate ability.

people always say love is like a highwincident that upset me is that you pretend that you don't know me,i pretend that i don't know you.when ay movie.i meet you and leave you..how do you describe a coincidence like this?if there is a i am looking at you,my eyes seem get used to the darkness but getting out of focus.until now,i found out...love you or not,cannot be forced or pretend.

i wish you are happy always,even i am not.